"I can't do this. I'm too afraid and I'm going to have to go back downt he ladder," I whined to Skinnyman. I was standing on a wooden platform with my harness latched to a zip line in the Yucatan jungle in Mexico.A 300 foot ladder decent seemed a better option than sitting back and trusting the harness and hand grips to hold. "Look at my eyes. I know I'm not handsome, but I want to look at your eyes." I stared for no more than 10 seconds at his confident and amused expression. "There.Better?" he asked. I lifted my legs, Skinnyman gave a gentle shove, and I was flying. It was so fast, so fun, and nothing about it was scary as the canopy blurred beneath my Tevas. The jungle rushed by and I laughed hysterically the rest of the ride. When I came back the next time I didn't need any help, and Skinnyman wasn't surprised.

I'm freaking out! I'm so nervous I'm hyperventilating!" It was the morning of PNSQC and the first time I'd presented outside of my company. I'd rehearsed and revised over and over. incorporating feedback each time. The technical paper had drafts 1-28 already tossed out and this was draft FinalFinal. "You are going to be fabulous! I just know it," Gretchen replied, "Not to mention, I'll be there. No matter what." Scenarios from not even one person coming to see the presentation to a full blabbering meltdown or a freeze up ran through my mind. What if there was a heckler? There were some pretty blunt criticisms of the paper. What if they could tell it was my first time presenting? I told myself, "Whatever happens, be you. Everyone else is taken." The introduction was made, and off I went.

On presentation day I wake up nervous even knowing I'm as prepared as I can be. When I get ready I will have tried on my outfit and gone through the revision to my slides I just updated. Usually the change is one photo or one quote that I've put in and taken out over and over. I look at my makeup sideways hoping I don't have a mask line or any streaking and clip my hair so it won't fall into my eyes. I give myself a critical look and even say, "Whatever happens, it will be ok. You know this stuff. You've lived this stuff. Just tell the story."

When the Q & A starts I always feel relieved and satisfied, but I'm afraid that no one will ask a question. I hate it when no one has a question. Really? I spent hours at night trying to share something that mattered to me and no one cared? It is the most personal thing even though we are told it isn't personal, it's just business. No way. It couldn't possibly be more personal. These are MY stories. My test ideas. I wouldn't share them and go through the nerves if it wasn't personal. If it's just business, there wouldn't be petty bickering between big personalities. There wouldn't be egos at stake over what really is a small niche.

There are times when agonizing over a presentation I wonder why I bother. Most people aren't getting rich doing conferences. There are likely less than twenty people in the entire software testing industry worldwide who are getting regular keynote invitations where the travel and hotel is paid for, and usually they are teaching all day classes as well which is a significant time investment. You don't present for the money. You present for other reasons. For me it is the chance to share an idea, meet someone, and the joy of seeing my name along with some of the quasi-famous people I've admired for years. I do the work because I want to earn a seat at the table, to be a part of something I'm passionate about. In fact, the next presentation I'm doing I'll be paying for travel and hotel, so likely spending a good portion of money to share my ideas. A few of the most enthusiastic people who come may check out my blog and want to interact!

Now I sometimes have the chance to introduce a new speaker. I'll think of Skinnyman when I do. Look at my eyes. You know this stuff. You've prepared all that you can. Just let go. Just tell the story, and above all, enjoy the flight. It can be useful content, but if you didn't have any fun you missed the point and likely so did the audience.

Something happens on occasion that makes me so glad I decided to keep going despite the fear. A tester I don't know will say something like,"I came to see you speak and I'm facing a similar problem. What would you do in my situation?" I shared the story and it helped someone else.That is a feeling so rewarding that I want to buy a plane ticket and present again and again until I can feel confident each time that it will be fun, it will be good, and no matter what I will learn from it.

Repelling into a Cenote. The second time you have to let go is easier than the first. Made possible by Skinnyman.