It is Thanksgiving. I was at work until 9pm again trying to get something done for the product. I got upset yesterday and Craig told me that I need to care less. If it still hurts, you care too much. He wonders what I have to prove for a company that is moving on without me. I tried to explain the best I can, and so here it goes.

I love Adobe. Imagine if you were on a beautiful ship with many of your friends. A ship that had taken you far where you'd seen amazing things. In a storm it had taken on water and sustained some damage, and you'd lost a few crew members each storm up to that point. Last year you started taking on water and everyone had been bailing it out as hard as they could, you'd had to set even long term crew into life rafts and wish them well, and in rough seas too! Shivering and cold, but still trying, you've continued on, but nervous and working for many. Eventually the ship still leaking, they prepare you that you will go gently in a life raft with a survival kit and a generous set of supplies as well as an oar. You wish them the best to repair the ship and hope they end up at their intended destination safely.

Also you are preparing for a time in a small life raft. You can hope to be saved. You can row to somewhere else. Either way, until I get into my life raft I am doing all I can for the well being of those I care for on the ship that has taken me so many amazing places. I wasn't the right crew member for this trip, but they decided in an emergency, not at the dock, they had to get people out. I will always care. They do not toss me overboard in a disgusted heap. They kindly have warned me that I'll be going in a life raft with supplies and their blessing when the time comes. Of course I'll pull my weight bailing water, trying to get the ship where it is going, and raising spirits if I can until it is time to climb into my raft and row row row my boat.

I'm bailing water, trying to weld up the holes frantically, preparing with rowing practice, and trying to cheer people as much as I can. Me learn to not care? That isn't going to happen. If it could happen I'd be a person with separate personas for work and life. Perhaps the best and worst thing about me is that I do care.

I may not be on the ship anymore, but I don't risk going down with it either. This wasn't my choice. My team was picked, every one of us working on the team I'm now on with any experience or skill with testing, to get into the life rafts. The boat can't hold us anymore and they think this is the best option for survival. We do it with some honor and dignity and we leave when our turn is up as well as we can, and we hope for the best for all parties involved. What am I going to do? Waste energy kicking and screaming? Nope, that energy is for my rowing. Not interested.

I feel thankful, excited, apprehensive, busy, sometimes relieved, and a little mixed. Yes, I wish the ship was in perfect condition in good weather and I was staying on, but with the leaking and water bailing and riding low in the water? Having a chance to get onto a life raft to row or be rescued sounds nice also. After lots of time with the frantic bailing of water and feeling insecure about the ship I'm on? Having the opportunity for something else and all that I need to survive for a time is an attractive alternative and I'm thankful for it. When you live under dread and apprehension for long enough, your fear happening isn't so bad. I'm so ready to feel better and move forward. I'm also learning now how to work well under contract, where I have a known end date instead of pretending that there is no end date. There is always an end date. Pretending otherwise is silly. In my case, it is simply known. This year I'm thankful for the life raft.