Before I share personal entry, I know I'm one of the most fortunate females in all of the world to earn a living with my mind and to be judged on what I do  rather than my gender or any other traits. That said, even in the country where the best opportunity for equality exists, sometimes something will happen where it is clear that there is still a need for women to fight for equality. This represents only my impression of one rare event, not an impartial view of any intentional bias.


You make me feel so stupid sometimes that for a second I forget that I'm a fantastic person and a capable employee. But then slowly the truth leaks out. The fact that you don't value my talent doesn't make it disappear. You look at me like I am nothing but a problem. You aren't even the only one or the first one today to entirely overlook my value.

I had to look in the mirror, stand up straight, smile sideways at myself, and envision a tiny pebble *dink* bouncing off of my armor.

So the tide of confidence pulls away, dragging me in to doubt and insecurity. Telling me just to quit, just to avoid you and let another man deal with you that it isn't worth it, that talking to you is pointless and that I don't have the ability to even make you understand. That negative voice just creeps in. You don't know enough, silly GIRL and that is implied in the way you look at me and I almost believe it for a moment too. My knowledge and passion is worth nothing and you make it clear that you don't support me and that see nothing I contribute as valuable and you even sort of laugh when I offer to help you or work with you.

When you are judging a person as an idiot, what criteria are using? I would hope that the way they treat you would come in to play at some point. I'd never treat you as though you had no value even if I disagreed with most of what you said. So long as you had ethics, I would respect you as a person.

So I don't have the depth of knowledge that you do. I don't mind if you consider me less intelligent than you are at all. I'm not even close to one of the top 1000 most intelligent persons in the state, let alone in the world. Scores of minds are thinking circles around mine at any moment. It's only the fact that you don't acknowledge my value at all that hurts.

It's small incidents like this where for a few minutes I want to be done working in a male dominated industry, take my ball and go home. Just be done playing with those mean boys where each day I go to work there are fewer females in the role I'm in. I look around and it scares me. I remind myself it isn't personal. I hold my head up just a little bit, and I remind myself that I belong here. It wasn't a gift. I deserve to be here. I didn't survive this many layoffs due to poor work performance. This isn't a 9 year mistake (Yes, May 1st was my 9 year anniversary).  I can't let a look, a comment, or one expression drag me down. I've got too much to accomplish and such a small group of people to get so much work done! I must vent, get over it, and plow forward.

While I bet you had no idea that your subtle disrespect could have such an impact, hopefully the next time it happens it will matter less. Thank you for doubting me because it made me try harder. It made me lift up my game. It made me mad enough to double check my facts, and not only that, it made me reach out to a younger female to share my knowledge. I think there's some knocking on the door of your boy's club and it knocked the "No girls allowed" sign down. You know what bugs me the most? It's that you don't even see it. You don't consider yourself anti-female for a second. In fact, you would be astounded if it was ever mentioned because you can think of one or two examples of women who you do respect. Of course, those are the few women who think and act like men and who approach problems and communicate in the same way as you do. Diversity means that everyone has value and equal opportunity, not that everyone is the same.

There are many companies where experiences like the subtle one I mention here happen every day with almost everyone who isn't in power. There are many countries in the world where a conversation would never happen because the women wouldn't be in the building, let alone holding a technical job of any kind. I'm so lucky that I work at a company where diversity is strongly encouraged and part of the culture and it's so rare that these little things happen that it stuck out to me. I just wanted to share it because equality is not yet accomplished. We still have work to do. While we now have accomplished the first part, which is getting the chance to prove yourself as capable at all. The next step is to gain the assumed competence that our male co-workers have already, that females still have to earn when many people view us as unqualified until we prove otherwise.

So, the  bias I'm talking about is that some people have to prove and reprove their value from assumed incompetence where others have assumed value that even after they fail repeatedly they never face any reprimands or end up with any burden of proof of success. They simply announce we are "changing direction" and are praised for taking risks. Yet we hear often as females that we don't take enough risks. I think that until the price of failure is equal and the burden of proof is equal, women will continue to take less risk because it is less likely that we will survive a failure unscathed, even if we learn from it. When each bit of a positive reputation is hard earned, many are reluctant to take more risk because the increased scrutiny can make the risk not worth the gain.

Thanks to the forward thinking men and women who have given me a chance to try new things, and have considered my thoughts with an open mind. I appreciate those who disagree for even taking the time to discuss with me why they disagree. Mentors, those who point out thinking flaws, and those who ask why are always appreciated. Their mentorship is an investment that I treasure and I'm inspired to make sure that it pays off with fantastic returns.